Monthly Archives: July 2011

Who Murdered Miss Manners?

I’m lost in the sweeping meadows of the countryside of Victorian England while I’m working on one of my historical novels, and as the relationships between my characters play out, I’m thinking a lot about the manners and propriety of that time period (think Austen-esque) and how much things have changed since Jane was writing her much beloved stories.

Chivalry, as we think of it, applies to men.  And even though it is gender neutral, we tend to place the burdens of proper etiquette on women.

Some people say chivalry is dead.  I hope not.  I plan on keeping it alive through my sons.   

But what about etiquette?  Is it dead?

Etiquette gives guidelines for proper manners and appropriate social behavior with details and events like parties, guests, place settings, thank yous, hostessing, etc…but has Miss Manners gone the way of black and white TV and VCRs?

Do you know your etiquette?  I’m mostly posing this question out of my own curiosity.

I’m not just talking about not talking with your mouth full or not putting your elbows on the dinner table, but the proper “rules” for wedding invitations, guests, hostessing, R.S.V.P.s, etc.  How many gentlemen still stand when a lady enters a room or excuses herself from a table?  Do you require your children to put their napkins in their laps at meals?

I was raised in a household where proper etiquette was taught.  I never went to cotillion nor was I actually a debutante, but my mom schooled me in the appropriate and polite points of etiquette that have stuck with me.

So I had a mini charm school in my own house growing up.  However, I do not own an etiquette book, and while I practice the basics, I don’t always know all of the nitty-gritty details.  (Nor do I usually try to find out.)

For example, when my brother got married, I knew that my mom needed to wait to pick out her dress until the bride’s mother had done so, so that she could make sure she didn’t pick the same color as the bride’s mother.  However, I did not know that it is proper etiquette for the length of the bride’s mother’s dress to dictate the length of the groom’s mother’s dress.

I willingly admit that some etiquette rules seem silly.  I don’t usually drink my tea with my pinky in the air, but basic etiquette is something I try to practice most of the time.

As I’ve aged, though, I am starting to think that I might be alone in my acknowledgement of etiquette (except for my sister!).  The vast majority of people in my age group and younger do not seem to have even the most basic understanding of it, nor do they really care.

It seems that even though (or because) we are in the days of Bridezillas and extravagant weddings via David Tutera, basic etiquette no longer applies.

Is this a bad thing?  It is just a sign that times are changing, or are there those out there who still live by these rules?  Should we be teaching them to our children?  Is learning how to properly set a table a life-skill?

I wonder if young ladies still know the proper rules when addressing wedding invitations, timely thank you notes, or sending wedding gifts.  How about setting the table for a nice dinner party or hostessing, or taking hostess gifts?  Call me a snob if you must (please don’t), but in my experience, the answer is no.  

The one that most annoys me is not acknowledging the common courtesy of the RSVP.  Whether it’s hosting events like baby showers, bridal showers, or even my kid’s birthday party, the RSVP is hard to come by.

Even when I include three phone numbers, two email addresses, my Twitter account, my Facebook page, and the required items necessary for sending smoke signals, people still do not RSVP.  I’m starting to think that most people don’t even know what RSVP means.

To avoid the lack of RSVPs, I often use “Regrets Only.”  That doesn’t work, either.

What about business etiquette?  Does it still exist in the corporate world?

I’m not a 100% stickler for etiquette, mind you. I do realize that not all events require the fanciness that etiquette seems to imply.  However, proper manners apply in all situations, I think.
 
Share with me: Is there a difference between etiquette and manners?  What are your thoughts on etiquette?  Is it just an antiquated way of doing things that has gone the way of the cassette player, or should we still be teaching it?  Do you practice etiquette, or are you more relaxed?  If you do know the basic rules of etiquette, how did you learn them? Your mom, your grandmother, a book?

11 Comments

Filed under Just For Fun

Conversion Cheese

The conversion.  It’s something that’s a given in most inspirational books.

Almost always, especially in romances, there’s one character who is seeking– he or she is lost, hurting, angry, broken, challenged, wandering, etc, and the only way the character can find peace is to come to an understanding in the salvation of the blood of Jesus Christ.  Sometimes it’s the climax of the book– when the character finds God.

It’s the most important thing we can do as inspirational writers– point our readers in the direction of Christ’s saving grace. 

But how do we, with our limited human vocabulary, do justice to the magnificent, majestic power of God’s grace and mercy?  How do we capture that moment– the instant when a human being realizes that Jesus is everything?  How do we eloquently do justice to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and the true reality of eternity that we grasp when we reach out and take his extended hand and follow his path?

It’s always sometimes a beautiful thing if done well— most of the time.

I really don’t enjoy books where the character “gets saved” and everyone lives happily ever after.  That’s not realistic.

And nine times out of ten, I skip reading the “conversion scene” in a novel.  Why?  Several reasons.  But mostly because there is no cheesier part of the book than the conversion scene.  It’s a very difficult scene to get right.  It takes a lot of inspired and purposeful thought and consideration.  It can be done, and done well.

And a “bad” conversion scene can ruin a wonderful story. 

If you are a writer or connoisseur of inspirational fiction, you know what I’m talking about.  For example: (These are my words, not taken from any particular novel.)

       Johnny knew there was nothing else he could do.  He was broken.  And he was a dirty sinner.
      “Jesus, come live in my heart,” he whispered.  Suddenly a warm feeling spread through his body, penetrating deeply at the center of his chest.  Bright lights glowed before his eyes, and he began to cry.  Instantly the answers he had been seeking popped into his brain.  He knew what to do.  Everything was going to be okay.
     “Thanks, God,” he said.
      He went immediately to Carol and apologized for all of the horrible things he had done.  
     “Now I’ll marry you, Johnny,” she said with a smile.

Okay, that’s just an example of a scene in which a character creates a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, or “finds God.”  And it’s a really, really bad one.

I don’t want to focus on the theology behind it, because most Chrisitan authors have pretty much the same general theology.  So instead, let’s talk about the details in the creation of the conversion scene and how we can improve it. 

Tone down the cheese.  For real.  Warm fuzzies? Bright lights? Sobbing tears?  All of this is simply over-kill and can become purple when done in a flowery, King James Version kind of way.  When the Holy Spirit comes into us, most people don’t feel any sort of physical reaction.  It’s more of a spiritual reaction and very often an emotional one.

If you want to include a physical reaction during the scene, keep it real.  Make sure it fits with the personality of your character.  For example, a Marine in the heat of battle who didn’t even shed a tear when he was shot in the leg might not break into weeping sobs when he seeks Christ.  But, he might.  So if he’s going to, make sure it seems realistic.  If your weepy damsel in distress doesn’t shed a tear when she comes to know the Lord, that might be unrealistic, too.

If every character in all of your novels finds God and feels some sort of warm glow inside, that can become majorly cheesy, too.  I actually stopped reading inspirational fiction when I was in college because of this problem.  My absolute favorite author had every single one of her “sinner” characters find Christ, and every single time there was a “warm glow” that encompassed them.  Is it possible?  Sure.  But not always realistic.

The ship is tossing in the storm and it’s every man for himself.  Walter the sailor screams out for God to save him.  Does he have time to weep?  Does he have time to feel the warm fuzzies?

Again, think about the physical reactions and really consider what works best for your story based on your character’s personality, setting, and plot. 

Anchoring it in reality.  I’ve never talked to anyone who became a born-again believer in Jesus Christ who suddenly and instantly had all the answers to their problems in life.  It’s just not realistic.

Christ never promised us that if we follow him that we’ll suddenly have an understanding of the universe, even of our own little universe.  In fact, it is said that we will be persecuted.

Plainly stated, being a Christian ain’t easy, so writing it like it is a piece of cake isn’t truthful.  Even in a fiction novel the conversion needs to be grounded in reality– Jesus doesn’t solve all of our problems instantly, but he holds us close, offering support, love, comfort, and a helping hand in the hard times.  HE is the ultimate hope.  Submitting to God’s will is what brings us to a place of peace, so instantaneous answers can be super cheesy. 

As my mom once said to me about our Christian walk, “You’re either going out of a storm or coming into one.”  Being a Christian doesn’t make life perfect, so we really shouldn’t insinuate that it does, even in fictitious novels.

Forming the faithful forgiver.  Forgiveness of sins is the whole point of Christ’s death on the cross.  Yet there are many, many conversion scenes in which the actual sinful nature of man is ignored.

Do faithful followers of Christ still sin?  We all know that they do.  So writing your character as a horrible, nasty sinner before finding God, yet nearly Christlike immediately after isn’t going to work, either.  Human nature is still insictive, and while it’s easy for some to turn away from sin, for others it’s a real struggle.  What kind of character do you have?

In one of my novels, I have a character who comes to an understanding in Christ after years of selfishness, hurting other people without regard for them at all.  One of my concerns in writing him after he found Christ is that he didn’t run immediately and seek forgiveness from those he hurt.  He finds Jesus, but still has to fight the sinful nature he’s known all his life.  In fact, he convinces himself that staying away from the people he hurt is actually better for them, even though he knows he has to eventually face his past and ask forgiveness.  But it’s a while before he gets around to it.  Sending him groveling wouldn’t work for the story, nor for who he is as a character.

Another thing that doesn’t work is when a character does seek forgiveness and immediately gets it from all those they have wronged.

Reality is that there are those, both saved and unsaved, who don’t forgive easily.  Whether that’s right or wrong, it’s realistic. When I’m reading and suddenly all of the characters want to make nice because someone found Jesus, well it takes me out of the story.

Decide who you are writing for.  If you are writing to an audience of people who already know Christ, you might not have to explain as much theology, but if you are writing for an audience of unbelievers, you might need to include a little more.  If the reader can’t understand why the character suddenly cries out for Jesus, the scene won’t be very powerful.

If the reader can’t grasp the meaning of forgiveness or redemption, you might need to include a little explanation of the importance.

Also, it’s difficult to read about a character who has never even been in or near a church who spontaneously has a grasp of deep philosophical theology.  It can work both ways, and usually not for the good of the story.

And as a side note, a conversion scene followed by a character engaged in the same sinful behavior doesn’t really work, either, does it?  Kind of misses the point, and doesn’t really resonate with reality.  We don’t often have time to make disciples out of our characters in a novel, but we certainly should indicate that a person who has come to an understanding in Christ is seeking, over time, to leave his or her old life behind and truly become that “new creature.”

Write to your testimony.  No two people have ever had the exact same experience with Jesus.  We all have our peaks and valleys in our walk with Christ, so no conversion is a blanket for all.

And no matter what I think of conversion scenes, what’s good and what’s bad, God will use our words to His glory if we ask Him to.

So how can you improve and move away from a cheesy conversion scene?

– Pray over it.  Nobody can give inspiration like God himself, especially if you truly desire your story to touch others.
– Talk to people about their experiences with that “moment” when they came to know Christ.  What did they say?  How did they feel?  Listening to the testimonies of others can give birth to beautiful scenes of true faith that are certainly grounded in reality.
– Listen to what your critique partners and people in the publishing industry are saying about your work, and aspire to make these scenes better.
– Tone down the cheese.  🙂

Share with me:  How do you feel about the “conversion scene?”  Do you usually read them or skip them?  What books or authors can you think of that do these scenes really well?

16 Comments

Filed under Writing

Saying Grace

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.  Acts 20:24

Grace.  It’s a word that God has definitely been using to get my attention lately.  I’m seeing it or hearing it everywhere, and I’m constantly reminded of it in my life.

Our children’s choir is doing a summer performance in a few weeks entitled “Amazing Grace.”  There’s only one adult in the script– Grace.  She comes around to tell the kids about God’s love and mercy as shown through his grace.

She also explains that God’s grace is in everything we do, from the very breath we take each morning to the many needs he meets for us.

But my favorite part of her wisdom is the analogy she gives during a song called “Grace is Bigger.”

Grace talks to one of the children, telling her all about how the girl’s mom felt an overwhelming sense of love when she was born.

“When you woke her up at 3 o’clock in the morning, screaming at the top of your lungs, her love for you wasn’t something she laid there and felt.  Love got up and picked you up.  You didn’t always stop crying, but you knew someone was there.  God loves you.  And His love for you isn’t something He sits in heaven and feels.  God’s love reaches out to you– and when God’s love touches your need, we call that grace.”

I was blessed and honored to be asked to play Grace in this production.  As I’ve been working on my lines and music, I’ve been stumbling every time I get to this passage.

I simply can’t say it aloud without getting choked up.

As a mother, I think this analogy is a most beautiful and tangible way to think of God’s love and grace reaching out to us.

When we are crying, hurt, frightened, worried, alone, or in despair, God doesn’t ignore our cries and listen from afar.

As a loving, nurturing parent, He reaches out and touches us.  He holds us close.  His grace moves in our lives and takes care of our needs.

God is active.  God is moving, and His grace is all around us, in each moment of our existence.

Being able to remind ourselves that God loves to hold us close, console us and meet our needs in the same way that we do for our own children– well, it’s just comforting and brings such feelings of gratitude.

And “saying grace” just doesn’t seem like enough.

Share With Me:  What is your definition of grace? How have you seen grace in your life lately?  Are there any scriptures that have touched you recently?

6 Comments

Filed under The Christian Walk