When I found out that I was pregnant with this new baby, I was in a state of disbelief for the first few days.
I just couldn’t believe that the fertility drugs had worked– in the first round.
Then I had a whole bunch of other emotions, the same ones other women feel when they find out they are pregnant: excitement, happiness, nervousness, thrill, and anticipation. I had ’em all.
And then came the strongest emotion of all– GUILT.
“How can you feel guilty?” you might ask.
Because infertility is an epidemic in this generation— one that affects more women than you realize. And for me personally, it has touched not only my life, but the lives of several women I know.
Many of them have been trying for a long, long time to get pregnant.
So I feel guilt. Guilt because it happened for me. Guilt because this is my third child and many of my friends don’t even have one– and they are desperate to have one.
Some of my friends have gone the route of adoption and are now waiting. Some of them are still going through fertility treatments. Some of them are just starting on this road of infertility, realizing that after two or three years of trying, they just can’t get pregnant without medical help.
And while I understand all of these issues and have been through many of them myself, I am blessed that God has answered this prayer for me.
But I don’t understand– why me and not them?
Please understand, readers, that I am thrilled beyond all measure that God has chosen to answer our prayer, and I pray for a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, perfect little person to join our family. I can’t wait, actually. I’m giddy about it.
But I know exactly what it feels like when you’re trying to get pregnant and can’t, but it seems like everyone around you can.
What a punch in the gut it is.
I remember when a friend at church announced her pregnancy right when I was in the middle of our infertility struggle before our second child. I wanted to walk out of Sunday school that day. I wanted to punch her in the face. She already had a kid. In fact, she had just had a kid and now her second was on the way?? How was this fair?
And then another friend got pregnant. And another. And another. Until it seemed like everyone was pregnant. But not me.
At the time I thought, “why not me?”
I know that anger, frustration, and jealousy. None of it’s right, but knowing it’s not right to feel that way doesn’t stop the feelings from coming. They come. Like a raging typhoon, they come.
At that time, it was a real struggle for me to overcome those feelings. I had to overcome. If I didn’t, I risked letting those negative emotions overwhelm me.
What I eventually had to do was train myself– whenever I felt that anger or frustration, I would stop whatever I was doing and pray for those women who were pregnant. I’d pray for their healthy pregnancies and babies, and that they’d be godly parents and raise their children to follow the Lord. I’d pray even if I didn’t feel like praying.
Sometimes I prayed a little like this:
“God, I’m angry. I want to be pregnant. I don’t understand why I’m not or what your plan is, but God, I’m going to trust. So bless those other women and their babies. Bless them and give them the eyes to see just what a miracle they have.”
After a few weeks of doing this, my chest was a little lighter, my soul a little more relieved, my joy for others more abundant. I still fought those negative emotions, but the fight was a little easier. I was getting stronger.
And now I face the monster of guilt because God has answered my prayer but so many of my friends are still waiting.
But guilt isn’t right either. So I’m going to replace it.
Every time I feel guilty, it’s going to be a reminder to stop whatever I’m doing and pray specifically for those women I know who are struggling. I’m going to pray for them, encourage them, and do whatever I can to help them through this time.
Because I’ve been there. And it’s not a fun place to be.
Share with me: How can I pray for you this week?