Tag Archives: what not to say

The Question that Disturbs Me the Most This Pregnancy

No, this is not my belly. I don't do pregnancy belly photos. :)

No, this is not my belly. I don’t do pregnancy belly photos. 🙂

Not too long ago I posted about what NOT to say to a pregnant woman. You know, just some friendly advice for people who mean well but really have no concept of a filter on their mouths.

This is a little addendum to that, if you will.

— Last Sunday after church we had lunch with my husband’s family. As soon as his grandmother saw me it was, “Wow, you’re getting huge! Sure you aren’t having twins?”

This is the first time during this pregnancy that someone has asked me this question, and it’s a question that women all over the world never, ever want to be asked, because the real translation of this question is : “You are gigantic.”

I know she meant well and I’ll cut her some slack because she’s family, but… still. Don’t ask a woman if she’s having twins, especially when you know she’s not.

Pregnant women are hormonal. You take your life in your hands. 🙂

When people ask if I’m having a boy or girl and I tell them we’re expecting our third boy, the follow-up question is almost always about the ages of my other children. When I reply that my sons are six and three and will be almost seven and four when the baby comes, it almost never fails that one of the following is the response– “Why did you wait so long?” “Wow. That’s a lot of years between kids.” And my personal favorite (and this came from a woman who is also currently expecting), “Oh my gosh. I could never have my kids that far apart.”

Here’s my go-to response, “Well, it wasn’t our choice to wait so long in between children, but God knows so much better than we do and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

I mean, honestly, do I have to go into my entire medical history and our fertility issues with complete strangers?

Sometimes I want to punch people right in the face. I do. I blame hormones. (But there’s part of me that wants to punch even when I’m not pregnant.) Again, I know they mean well, but c’mon folks. It’s nun-ya business how many years people wait between having children. Whether they want that age gap (some do) or they wait on God’s timing (like us), you should have nothing to say about it, k?

If you feel the words bubbling up and you absolutely have to say something, then may I suggest, “It’s great that your kids are older. They’ll be wonderful helpers when the baby comes.”

Caucasian Baby Boy In A Blue Stroller Carriage, Looking Over The Side Clipart Illustration

And now for the question that has gotten under my skin more than any other during this pregnancy. I have been asked countless (literally) times, sometimes by friends, most of the time by complete strangers… “So, are you going to try for a girl?”

The answer to that question, ladies and gents, is NO. No no no no no no no.

We have never tried for a girl or a boy. With each of our three children, we’ve prayed for a beautiful child.

I’ll tell you why I really, really, really hate that question.

1. Most of all, it implies that this precious baby boy that I’m carrying isn’t special. It implies that he’s just a number among the other boys and that he doesn’t matter. It implies that he wasn’t created specifically for our family by God as one of His greatest blessings, which I believe this little man was. He is special. He is a miracle. He is one of a kind. He is being knit together in my womb by the Creator, who already knows everything about him. And his mommy, daddy and two big brothers cannot wait to meet him.

2. It implies that my husband and I can’t feel happy and blessed without a daughter. God has designed our family specifically in his timing, with his perfection. I’m blessed beyond what I can imagine, and I would never, ever change it.

3. “Trying” for a specific gender is insane. I know that people do it. I know that there are those who want to design their families themselves, but I’m not one of them. I learned a long time ago to leave it up to God.

— May I suggest a better question, if you really must get into personal business? How about asking whether or not we plan to have more children in the future?

I can tell you now that that question remains unanswered. While we are fairly certain that this will be our last biological child, we’ve had many conversations already about our desire to love more kids. How God will bring that about is, once again, up to Him.

Just a bit of friendly advice to help you along in conversation with a woman who is expecting.

I know people mean well. I know they have good intentions. And I’ve put my foot in my mouth plenty of times, too.

Share with me: Have you ever put your foot in your mouth? Want to tell me about it?

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Filed under Family, Infertility, Parenting

Log This Under “Pregnancy–What Not to Say”

We recently announced that the baby we are expecting in March is a baby BOY!! 

And I gotta tell you, we couldn’t be more excited. We’ve named him and are already talking about what his personality might be like, who he is going to look more like, what his interests are going to be… I’m daydreaming about this little man whom we won’t meet for ages, it feels like.

In case you are keeping count, this is baby #3 for us, and our third boy.

As we’ve let our friends and family know, most people have been wonderful– sharing our excitement and offering hearty congratulations and for that, we are most appreciative.

But there has been some weirdness.

It’s because of this weirdness that I want to offer some advice on what NOT to say to a pregnant woman. Especially one who is expecting her third son. (This also applies to any woman expecting her third daughter. Or perhaps tenth.)

What not to say:

“Another boy?”

Yes, another. But I’m not using that word “another” when we talk about our son-to-be. He’s not just another. He’s an individual who has been perfectly designed by a mighty God. He might be our third son, but he’s more than just another.

“Awww, I wish it was a girl.”

Then perhaps, my friend, you should have your own daughter, because we do not wish it was a girl. Would I like to have a daughter? Sure. But God has blessed me with sons and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. My first two are so adorable and awesome that I am beyond excited to have son number three. So how about you just say, “Congrats”?

“Are you disappointed?”

Are you kidding me? We prayed for a baby forever. God answered our prayer. How could we be disappointed when God is giving us a miracle?? What in the world is there to be disappointed about?

“Wow. Three boys. Do you think you can do it?”

Do I have a choice? Of course I can do it. I think the first two are pretty incredible and I’m so grateful that God has given me a third boy to attempt to raise into a godly man. The world needs more godly men. I’m up for the challenge.

And my least favorite response we’ve gotten so far… (from several people, believe it or not)

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

Are you serious? Sorry for what? We are THRILLED. See, here’s the thing: God has designed this baby, just as he is, to bless our family as part of HIS perfect plan. Don’t be sorry. Be excited. Be thankful. Be praying for this child as he grows. The only thing you have to be sorry about is not realizing the majesty and miracle that has gone in to creating this beautiful child.

Okay, so whether a woman is having her second, third, or twelfth son (or daughter), please keep in mind what NOT to say so that you don’t end up hurting her feelings, or worse, making yourself look insensitive to her joy.

A simple “congratulations” is always appropriate.

Share with me: Anyone ever say anything weird to you while you (or your wife) were expecting?


Filed under Family